Regrets, so many

I'm in the library. It's twenty minutes to 2 AM. If I were in IITG, and would have been devoting as much time to academics, I would surely have secured a 10 instead of the 9.6 that I did. I said this to a funny friend of mine from IITG a couple of days back, and she pinged back, asking, if I was interested in getting an 11. Funny, of course! Here, though, every other graduate student ends up securing a 4/4. It now makes complete sense why Oxbridge rejected my application. Those BSc grades and to some extent, even the IITG MA ones, are such a disgrace! Then again, I have no idea what recommendation RB wrote for the Ox application. Amm, again, why did I even ask her to write my recommendation? Ah, that makes me come to the topic for this post - regrets.

There are long-term regrets and short-term regrets. I can't provide a reference for that entry. It's my invention. Quote me! Short-term regrets: For instance, I met TS on Friday evening and blabbered on about how I think most students in IDS programme here have got the wrong idea about what Development Studies is, and how, even a senior administrator at the Center for International Studies is also slightly misdirected. He ended up asking me to forget about the world and do my own stuff, in the gentle-est possible way. I thought, soon as I got out of his room that it was not necessary for me to have discussed the issue with him. Despite the fact that I know that he agrees with me, he'd never bring himself to be so blunt to say that to me, given the way people communicate here, . I regretted what I said, but I have come to understand that incidents such as the aforementioned, help me 'refine' my behaviour, but do not usually end up damaging anything - partly because the other person does not give as much thought to the matter. Phew, I guess I have explained myself sufficiently enough.

Then there are long-term regrets: Breaking off of relationships with SO many people. Out here, in Athens, I did a bit of 'bridge building' exercise recently to bring some of the relations that were on the verge of collapse, back in a stable state. Most worked, some didn't. Lesson learnt: at least as far as relationships go, recovery exercises are not a 100% effective, and if I consider a relationship to be important, I should WORK to maintain it. But I must confess that when I think about the broken relationships, I sometimes start wondering, if those relationships were anyway 'meant' to break. I would have loved to analyse some of them here, but then I would obviously not discuss why my relationship with the vampire that RB is, severed! I would end up discussing about why my relations with some people, who're close to my heart, broke, and I am not yet strong enough to talk about that on public forum. I also sometimes wonder, if I am improving as a person, but then, I doubt, if anyone can be a good judge of themselves. How do you think you're improving, when you end relationships in two days? Even now.

I would sometime really like to write a post that would show myself as being emotionally less vulnerable. I really hope that day comes soon. I do not want to end up being the next McQueen at the age of 41. I really do not.